Thoughts on 2017

December Reflections Day-24.jpg

My word for 2017 was "compassion", specifically towards myself.  Not to judge myself too harshly for whatever shortcomings I may see in myself, and I see a lot of them.  I'm not sure I actively thought about compassion past February.  I've certainly judged others quite a bit this year for how I felt they let me down.  Not too much compassion there. 

I guess I tried to let myself off the hook a bit this year.  To readjust my standards for myself.  Self care, for example.  If I'm not eating a green smoothie for breakfast and meditating everyday, getting 9 hours of sleep a night and going to yoga once a week I typically feel like I've failed.  But self care can look like a lot of things. Learning how to reduce stress as much as I can while traveling for example, by getting to the airport 2 hours ahead and planning where I'm going to eat in advance.  Going to the chiropractor regularly.  Doing surgery and follow-ups for my sinuses and skin checks.  Regular therapy visits.  It's not sexy self care, but it is caring for myself all the same.  

I also let myself off the hook for trying to do everything at once.  I finally (!) realized that it's not physically possible to do everything I want in a day or a week and some things must go undone.  In the opposite vein, I got some kicks in the ass to finish projects and goals like starting my website and opening an Etsy shop.  I started volunteering at the Creative Alliance down the street.  To be perfectly honest, I started so I could see shows for free, but I've found it's a much needed way to have in-person human interactions outside of Todd and my coworkers.  

I tend to look at my year in numbers.  Perhaps that's the two sides of my brain at work - the logical, quantitative side colliding with the creative, feeling side.  When I'm on the go as much as I've been this year, trying to juggle 3 jobs at once, it becomes hard for me to be still and reflective and creative.  My mind keeps running with numbers and ideas and plans:

  • 15 concerts with 23 artists seen
  • 11 photo sessions done
  • 26 trips taken
  • 30 books read
  • ? goals achieved
  • ? projects begun and left unfinished

It was harder than I thought to just sit and finish a book last night.  I kept feeling the internal push to do more, accomplish more, even though my only goal for the weekend was to sleep and read.  I definitely have some apprehension about the new year.  Much that I want to accomplish, but much that I want to release.  Baltimore hasn't really felt like my home this year, just some place I bounce through now and again.  It's an interesting realization and one that I'm sure I will continue to wrestle with in 2018.  What does home really mean and how do I nurture it wherever I go?  For now, I'm getting back to basics, and that means returning to compassion for myself, being a bit selfish and self-full so that my body and soul are well nourished to move into the adventures of the new year.