Notes on October

img_51601 This post is not a brag.  Not about great things, not about hard things.  It's just about what is.  My life is so far from perfect with, what feels like, tremendous amounts of struggle.  I know that so many have it indescribably harder than I do and my hard is not harder than your hard, but it is what I have to live and work with.  I feel like we are in a constant battle to prove who has it best and who has it worst all at the same time.  We dismiss each other's pain and brag about our own.  We prove our worth based on busyness and things.  (Just look at Facebook if you don't know what I'm talking about.)  We try to keep up with the Joneses by going out too much and doing things we can't afford.  

It's been two months of reprioritizing my whole life.  I thought last year's battle with depression and what turned out to be a terrible job situation was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but I think it was setting me up to deal with this year's tribulations.  Most of the time I feel like I'm on a stationary bike - peddling as hard as I can but getting nowhere.  I see what needs to be done and want to put my entire intensity on it, but by focusing on one thing, five others go undone.  And what can I let go?  My relationship?  My health?  My last semester of grad school?  My new job?  My position as treasurer?  Or any of my many passions and interests?  My writing has ceased, even in the mornings, no yoga, perhaps one meditation per week at best, thousands of photographs unedited, lunch and coffee dates unscheduled.  

So what have I done and what do I continue to do?  I sold my car and we are figuring out life with one, navigating public transportation, doing more walking and sometimes calling on friends for help.  We paid off $6,500 worth of debt in two months and continue to listen to Dave Ramsey, cut back and budget, find free ways to have fun and invest in each other.  We're working on figuring out what a shared future looks like.  We're seeing more family.  I'm getting serious about my health, seeing a therapist regularly, a chiropractor twice a week, cutting out sugar and reading everything I can get my hands on to heal my gut and my back.  I'm worried about the health of my family.  I'm planning a trip to Ireland in less than a week and the ability to do so makes me feel incredibly blessed.  I'm trying to ignore the news and the media because I can't take any more negativity.  I'm putting in a solid B- effort for my Oceanography class and counting down until graduation (less than 50 days!).  Once in awhile, I'm staying up well past my best time to edit family photos of a soul-sister I took earlier this month and remembering why I want to be an artist and creator the rest of my life.  I'm looking at way too many pictures of Galway on Instagram.  I'm having spontaneous crying sessions when I think about the deep hurt that's come upon me, then I remember to pause, let the feelings rush in, then I'm picking myself up and continuing the hard work of living.